How Many

MIT Students

does it take to

Change a Lightbulb?

Students at MIT can build working universal computers from Tinker Toys^(tm) and Crazy Glue^(tm). They can build a robot from things found in trash cans that is capable of feeding mashed carrots and Tang^(tm) to a 6 month-old without making a mess. They can calculate a good estimated of the 2010 GNP for Bhutan from the second law of thermodynamics and one page of the Wall Street Journal.

But they can't change lightbulbs.

It just isn't done that way.

First you need:

1 clerical person to fill out a requisition.
1 staff member to authorize it.
1 Physical Plant electrician.
1 Physical Plant electrician's helper.
1 MIT Campus Police officer to ensure security in a dark place.

Nothing at MIT can involve that many people without the sponsorship or patronage of a faculty member:

1 Professor or Associate Professor

The professor will establish a Center for Lightbulb Operation and Technology (CLOT). She or he will then need:

2 Staff with MIT experience to raise funds from the Institute.
3 Staff with industrial experience to raise corporate funds.

Okayyyy. Now we're ready for some students:

3 Grad students to think up some research to justify all this.
2 Undergraduate Research Opportunities Program students to do anything too boring for the Grad students.

Great! Things are looking good:

2 more clerical staff to manage budget and documentation.
3 Wizard programmers to write CLOT software.
2 more Wizard programmers to port CLOT software to Windows 00-beta2
3 Visiting scientists whose corporate employers will pay their salaries and living expenses while working on CLOT development.
2 Graduate Interns from Columbia Teacher's College to explore educational dimensions of CLOT
3 computer system/network managers
1 computer hardware technician.

This is the takeoff point:

3 Staff to organize the Center for Lightbulb Operation and Technology - Technology Transfer Consortium (CLOT-TTC)
5 visiting Scientists employed by CLOT-TTC members, whose employers will pay $250,000 per year for the privilege of sending them to MIT for 6 weeks and receiving beta CLOT software updates.
5 Grad students to develop tensor theory of lightbulb operation, theory of recursive coriolis forces in lightbulb changing and Lie group theory for dynamic virtual lightbulb topology, laying the groundwork for serious theoretical development by the Professor heading the Center.

At this point, since the original lightbulb hasn't yet been identified and changed, we'll need:

1 Physical Plant Supervisor
1 Union shop steward.

These people will assign one of the UROP undergrads to report on the lightbulb. He will report that there are no longer any incandescent, screw-base lightbulbs on the MIT campus. The task will be passed to:

1 Grad student from the Humanities program (history)

who will determine that illuminating devices at at MIT consist of:

373,641 fluorescent tubes
126 neon signage tubes
71 experimental illuminating devices
11 light emitting devices based on technology sufficiently complex that they are indistinguishable from magic
9 pieces of apparatus that glow in the dark for unspecified reasons
1 region of plasma-like space of unknown ownership or origin
1 perpetual student weenie roast bonfire
1 oil drum fire maintained by homeless people

Annnd YES!

3 incandescent, screw-base lightbulbs (GE) in Building 20.

Now, everybody at MIT knows (though you may not) that Building 20 is a frame-and-asbestos-slate building built during WW II for military research. It has been scheduled for demolition once each year since 1953. It is currently scheduled for demolition. Many important scientific developments have taken place in Bldg. 20 during the last 50 years and many important scientists and engineers have fond memories of its creaky floors and unpretentious spaces. So we will immediately need:

1 Assistant Professor, History
1 Curator, Obsolete Technology
1 Assistant Curator, Obsolete Technology
1 Conservation Technician on loan from the MIT Museum
1 Liaison, Military History, from the US War College
2 Carpenters, Physical Plant
2 Carpenter's assistants, Physical Plant
2 Hazardous material technicians, asbestos, Physical Plant
1 Documentation/archival technician
1 MIT Senior Financial Officer for negotiating support from General Electric and the DOD.
1 person from the Media Lab, purpose unknown.
1 Consulting Engineer from the Dept. of Electrical Engineering

At this point, we are ready to change the lightbulb. In fact, we're ready to analyze, document and conserve three lightbulbs together with their social context, physical infrastructure and theoretical framework. We're ready to publish 3 graduate theses and a monograph on related theory.

But we're out of money.

The solution recommended (imposed if necessary) by the Chancellor is to merge CLOT (and the CLOT-TTC program) with the Program for Studies in Learning for Illuminative Industrial Media and Education (PSLIIME) which has significant surplus funds , resulting in PSLIIME-CLOT under the direction of:

1 more Professor

with the supervisory and financial oversight of:

1 Dean of Whatever

Ho hum.

Did I mention that the three incandescent lightbulbs were in a men's room un-renovated since 1944 and were left-hand thread? The PSLIIME-CLOT folks are developing a project under the working title of:

Rethinking Parity: Lightbulb Chirality and its Quantum-mechanical, Educational and Marketing Implications in the Context of Globalization

in collaboration with the Sloan School.