Guidelines for Web Designers
It has come to our attention that there are still some people who
have failed to grasp the nettle (or is that Nettlescape?) and are
creating web pages that look like this one.
Here are some guidelines to help you avoid that.
Well, there's more — more advanced techniques — but we'll take a
Why would you want to go to the trouble of following these guidelines?
Attract obedient sheep. Tell them to do it your way and they'll do
it. Tell them to buy your product and they'll buy it. Tell them to
buy more of your product and they'll buy more. Tell them....
Obfuscate.Your government agency can create the illusion of
openness and freely available information about how their government
works without revealing anything of any substance about your agenda.
Suppress thinking. Television zombies will recognize their
home pasture. The more your pages look like TV, the more likely your
visitors are to be in a suggestible trance state when they look at
them. After all, dentists put TVs over their chairs to help you fall
into a trance state and forget that they're excavating your central
nervous system with a power tool. Make it work for you, too.
Lighten the load on your server. The visually impaired who
depend on text to voice devices will be completely stumped by your
pages. But who need crips, anyhow, right? Insignificant market
sector, inconsequential voting block. Don't worry about them.
will be annoyed and go away. Well, you didn't want to attract
eggheads and intelletchuals anyway, did you? Who needs them? They
send you email containing criticisms that you don't understand and
make you feel like a No-Good Shittm.
- Oh yes...
There's one more category of person who will be duly impressed with
your efforts. This type of person lives in a log cabin at the end of
a dirt lane in the hills with a hand pump, wood heat, outhouse,
eleven computers and a small but lovely machine shop. He has Ph.D.
in somthing you think of, erroneously, as "rocket science". He will
scrutinize your work in detail and at length. He will savour it. He
will drive his Jeep into town and and make purchases. He will labor
over a token of appreciation. He will send you a lovingly crafted
and carefully wrapped copy of his manifesto. An anonymous,
leather-bound copy. Page 9 will be smeared with a neurotoxic
organophosphate compound. Page 51 will be impregnated with a
home-grown culture of ebola. Pages 106-110 will be printed on sheets
of Semtex and what looks like a spill stain will be a remarkably
clever detonator made from lemon Jell-O and a 1943 zinc penny. He
will sleep the sleep of the just and giggle in his dreams.
But don't think about that....
Resident Alien is an occasional publication of the Bridgewater
Institute for Advanced Study. It appears variously in electronic,
paper and other formats such as serial gummed labels.